by Terry Sterrenberg
Monday was Laurie and my 41 wedding anniversary and I’m exhausted. I don’t think those two are really related however. It is more likely my 75 years that is the major factor of my feeling tired. The 41 is what helps me feel like I’m 30. We spent literally five days celebrating by going out to eat exploiting our diet and doing touristy things like going to Summit One (which presents a great view of the city as well as other experiences). We even went Ball Room Dancing. I Loved it. And doing it with Laurie.
When I think of it as 41 years the time seems long. When I look through my experience it seems that we just got married. Being single seems like another life time. I had wanted to get married. My parents appeared to have a good marriage and it seemed like the natural thing to desire. So I studied it like it was something I could learn and I became a marriage counselor. I was 34 when we got married and learned that a “good” marriage was the exception not the rule.
Laurie often says that she loves me which creates many sweet moments between us. I sometimes wonder why she loves me. I know why I love her. She has made my love life (not just sex here) real instead of a fantasy. She pays attention to me. She appreciates my presence. Before we got married I drove to Edmonton Alberta through a snow storm to visit her. During one of our conversations I got the impression that she had not been treated great in some of her past relationships with men. I felt she had been kind of used and then left. I told her that I would not do that and that I was not going anywhere. Little did I know the magic in those words. When I ask her why she still loves me after all these years I half expect her to say something like “ Well. I’m used to having you around,” but instead she has often referred back to that conversation when I told her I wasn’t “going anywhere.” She says that hooked her. “You’re still here and I love you.”
When I spoke at my son’s marriage I told them to let each other know they loved each other every day. Not an easy task unless they recreate their relationship every day and not just take it for granted. Perhaps that is the secret for a good marriage. At the time I thought it was good advice. In my case I discovered very early that marriage was indeed a daily creation based on commitment. It became my primary commitment. It became my top priority and I molded my life around being married to Laurie instead of molding my marriage around individual opportunities and tasks. I believe Laurie did the same. I feel very fortunate to have been able to do this and I know it is not possible for everyone. This may sound like I gave up a lot. In fact the opposite was true. The spaces we have moved through and created as a couple have been enormous and exciting. I have done many many more things that I would have never done in my life than not done because I was married. I also learned very quickly that Marriage was by far the best personal growth exercise I have ever done. This was not something I thought much about before getting married, i.e. that relationships especially intimate relationships are about growth and not about solving my issues with being lonely or feeling unloved or feeling like I reached a goal.
Being in love for 41 years is the greatest gift I could have ever received in my lifetime. Thank you Laurie for sticking with me. You have made real for me a fundamental belief I have, and that is that love is the juice, the power, and the magic that creates and sustains life.